Many people assume that depression and highly functional depression is the same thing but this is not true. It is more difficult to detect highly functional depression because the person suffering from this condition, behave almost normally in the front, but deep down they are having a mental and emotional war with themselves.
Having a highly functional depression is like having a storm within and a sunny day outside. The days seems like burden, you don’t want to get up from bed, or do anything but you also don’t want people to know about it and more often than not you don’t accept that you have this problem.
Everything seems okay when when you are out, you acts as if nothing is wrong, nothing is bothering you. Just as you go home, it suddenly crawls up to you, everything comes crashing down. All the thoughts of not being enough, not being the person you wanted to be, not being the person that others thinks you to be.
Most importantly, you lose yourself, you lose the person you were. You don’t get any idea how that happened or when it happened. You starts to disliked the person you are becoming who is without any goal, hobbies or ambition, you slowly lose your confidence in yourself and criticize your decisions and these things affect your performance which also adds into your condition.
The pressure of not letting someone know about your condition takes a toll. You don’t tell your friends or family because you overthink their reaction and don’t want to be in the spotlight. Others don’t understand that they don’t need to analyze or cure you, they just need to be a little supportive and understanding and not being too obvious to point out out the small behavior of this condition.
Being a highly functional depression means being a prisoner in your mind without letting anyone suspecting it. It means overthinking every possible negative outcome, trying to get the strength to survive each day at a time, pushing yourself to do the very basics everyday task, smiling when you don’t feel it so that others don’t get offended, not being able to cry even you want, not being able to express your anxiety or insecurity, trying not to kill yourself, not to blow up, to wake up everyday, to feel the beat of your heart and feel like a total failure that don’t deserve to live, to feel like a shell and a cloud of sadness and grief over your head, trying not to lose someone because they might think your are abnormal.
Its just too much to handle. Each day survived is herculean task. No one suspect it, but it really takes a very effort to survive each day, each hour, each moment.
To that person- “One day at a time.”